Weeknotes #1

End of the week reflections on ups, downs and positive confusions.. Friday, 2nd Feb 2024

Ups
Some brilliant, sprawling, messy, rich conversations with our collaborators this week. Right now these conversations are like rocket fuel for me. They fill me up with hope, energy, determination and awe. I’m so deeply grateful for the trust, generosity, honesty, vulnerability and curiosity baked into these relationships. The chink of space they create to dance with, through, around, over, under ideas and possibilities is so invigorating. On the other side of these conversations lie ideas and opportunities that are still unknown to us all … and yet we can feel them beckoning …will we cling to the shore of what we already know or will we set sail together into uncharted waters? What might be needed to keep us safe along the way? Who else might want to join the flotilla?

Downs
Feeling the magic of these open ended, honest, humble conversations is making me less and less tolerant and adept at navigating “professional” spaces. I’ve spent a long time working in/with big institutions. I know my way around these places and I know how to play the game. But I just don’t want to play anymore. Performing in these professional spaces makes my heart shrink into a tiny, aching, ball of sadness. I find it harder and harder to pretend. My emotions get hijacked. My energy budget crashes to the floor. And my defences come up. I know I just need to let go and care less, these are not the places to bring an open heart. I made a conscious decision to leave this world behind. I let go of the idea of succeeding within these systems and yet my ego is still bruised and battered, I’m still a recovering people pleaser who hates “being difficult” and I still get triggered and hurt by the micro aggressions and perceptions of failure that they project back onto you.

Positive Confusion
I’ve been dancing on the edges of burn out for the past year or so. Struggling to find the right antidote to the deep exhaustion that creeps in unexpectedly. I came across this beautiful extract from David Whyte about exhaustion coming not from being busy but from busying yourself with work that the heart has already moved on from. Crossing the Unknown Sea (excerpt) — Grateful.org

“The antidote to exhaustion is wholeheartedness”

This really resonated with me. I’ve always had alot of energy and resting hasn’t always helped when I’ve been feeling ropey. The exhaustion absolutely creeps in for me when I spend too much time in spaces, with people or on tasks where I can’t be wholehearted. Moving to a new place and starting out with a new job has meant spending so much time in new, more guarded, less trusted and less open hearted relationships, spaces, and work and that has really taken its toll.

“We are rested when we are a living exchange between what lies inside and what lies outside, when we are an intriguing conversation between the potential that lies in our imagination and the possibilities for making that internal image real in the world; we are rested when we let things alone and let ourselves alone, to do what we do best, breathe as the body intended us to breathe, to walk as we were meant to walk,

Three actions to take into next week:
- Make more effort to wrap myself back up in old friendships
- Prioritise time, energy and care for the right conversations and relationships
- Establish clearer boundaries to protect energy in less generative settings and accept that not everyone is going to like you or what you’re doing.